Unbalanced One at a Time

There was a huge discussion at my workplace the other day. Me, another girl and a third colleague of mine sat in a hushed circle around the computer system gossiping about the facts of Life, and countering the mis-facts the sly little minx throws at us.

Is it possible that physical relationships run out their course in a marriage? Yes, in a marriage, love, understanding and trust are very important. But then, so is romance and touching each other. You love your partner, but do they know it? It always feels nice to be told you’re loved early in the morning, doesn’t it?

But if your child sleeps between you and your partner, and the two of you have terrible work shifts, and you live with your extended family so that little touches of affection become difficult, the marriage turns into a very platonic one. And that’s not what it’s supposed to be, is it?

But there’s a very close and good friend of mine who has a marriage exactly like that. And it works for her.

And finding this out scared the bejesus out of me! So the round table discussion at work that day had me, a newly married person; another colleague who’s been married for five years; a third girl who’s been married for almost an year now.

Now, you have to understand that the third girl belongs to the glamorous range of people. The kind of person who’s always a Settler (HIMYM theory). And the guy who’s married her has to know it. Whilst the five-year-old marriage colleague can identify with a lot of my posts here, the third girl cannot. Because she’s a Settler. And the other colleague and I have balanced marriages with neither partner Settling or Reaching out.

So in this whole discussion, we discussed how often who did what. The five-years marriage said things would settle to weekends-only as time went by, and other responsibilities grew. The one-year-marriage Settler said things still went on at a nightly basis for her. And as for me, at that time of three months into my wedding, I was on an every-day or at-least-once-in-two-days point. A weekends-only as suggested by the five-year-marriage didn’t sound so bad. And then she brings up a point.

‘If it’s weekend only now, a few more years from now, and it’ll turn to ‘once a month’, and then ‘why bother’ soon enough!’

And if I wasn’t disturbed enough already, this made me sit up and cringe right down to my eyeballs!

The Hub-man wondered what was wrong with me when I tried to climb all over him that evening. And when I told him, he started laughing.

I still made him promise that that wouldn’t be us. We’d go out on date nights, I told him, and make sure we stayed connected physically every once a week at least. Yes, we’ll have other things which matter in a marriage too, like respect for each other, understanding and love, but this is important too. A platonic relationship, to me at least, is no marriage at all. It’s what I have with my sister and my marriage has to have that special spark, that difference where I can cuddle the Hub-man at night, and kiss him and hold his hand and feel the love he has for me in the rawest form of love…

Is it only the Settlers who have beautiful love lives all their lives? Do the ordinary Balanced folk turn to platonic relationships as time goes by? Is that how it is in every relationship? Or is it only in some rare cases that such things happen?

And to think I’ve reached that seven-year-phase of marriage (which is how old my friend’s marriage is) within seven months of getting married makes me cry today...

The Making Of

I’m confused. I mean, not that I am ever un-confused. But right now, more so than other times. My mother recently turned 58.  And in a couple more years, my sister and I will be holding a grand sixty celebration for her.

When I called to say happy birthday last week, my mum brought up her turning sixty in just two more years. And with  me and my sister happily married now and settled deep in our own worlds, she claimed that she wanted to bring in her grand six-O with a grandchild on each side of her to help cut the cake.

I told my Hub-man of my mother’s demands that evening as we meandered our way past the baby aisle at the local shopping mart. And to my surprise, and quite a bit of shock, the Hub-man was open to the idea.

So why was I so unhappy?

My love life (or the making of it) is almost non-existent right now. One of my most feared incidents might be about to happen to me (more of that later). This month, we’ve hit the sack for reasons other than sleeping only twice. Yes, I counted. It bothered me so much, I counted it all, even the measly ten or twelve minutes it took us!

And now, with the Hub-man focusing on a child within the next two years, is the spark in my marriage over? Fizzled out, phish, dhoosh, ghoosh?

Okay, admittedly, it wasn’t that the Hub-man was not interested all the time. About a couple of times, I’d be so tired it was me who acted as if I didn’t know he wanted it. And five other days, I was not in the place where I could actually go for it, because I was too busy clogging up something else (if you know what I mean.. Yes, disgusting, I know!). And another couple days where I’d fallen and skinned my knee, so that the Hub-man had to be extra careful while even cuddling me in bed so my leg wouldn’t hurt.

But the romance and the excitement which seemed to push us together all the time in the first half of this year was most definitely missing this month. And that got me thinking.

My Hub-man is above pointing out my weight. He tells me being a little on the heavier side has nothing to do with my looking good or hot. But it’s also been a month since I started putting on weight… And yesterday, the Hub-man commented that my behind looked a bit largish.

Largish! Can you believe it?! Like the bums of all those ladies who have huge behinds. ONLY huge behinds!

So could it be that my being unattractive (I really need to start looking after my looks again!) affects his wanting me?

I act silly sometimes. When we’re at the mall, I’ll reach out for his hand. And he’ll hold it. And then I start to wonder if he’s just holding my hand because I reached out for it, or if he wanted to hold my hand too. And if he does, why didn’t he just reach out for my hand himself? And so, I’ll pull my hand away as if I don’t want to hold his hand.

The first few times I did that, the Hub-man asked me what happened. When I said nothing, he asked me why I pulled my hand away. Now-a-days, however, the he simply glances at me sideways and doesn’t say anything.  And of course, that bothers me too!

So I’ve got hold of a new trick now. So that the Hub-man can hold my hand only if HE wants to, swing my hand with a finger sticking out, so that when my hand hits his palm, he catches hold of my finger. If he wants to hold my hand, he holds on. Or else, he lets go. It’s a win-win for both of us.

And again, in the past few days, he’s held on more than let go.

So why do I still feel as if things have gone cold?

I have a plan now. I mean to lose all this excess weight by our first registration anniversary. That’s the anniversary when I officially became Mrs. Hub-man, though not yet by the traditional way. And then I’m going to seduce him. Put that spark back in our marriage. Do the striptease and dress up and the works, you know.

 And no kids till next Christmas! No even trying ofr kids until next Christmas! Only lots of matchboxes and lighters to get that spark back on. And to make sure it doesn’t go out this time!