Baby Blues

When your mind is not at peace, you can’t think about the future..

I’ve been admiring babies the whole of last month. Tiny babies, with mitten-fed paws hurling in the air, and noisy babies let off to dance in the rain, or infants singing themselves to sleep (literally, this kid sang me off too, in the seat behind mine in my overnight bus!!!).

And then I think, I want one too.

Alright, at this point, I need to make it clear that the Hub-man and I are not at the financially stablest point of our lives. What with EMIs and newly married thingies and everything, we’re a bit tight in the money area for now.

And I am physically not up to having a baby at the moment. With work going crazy (and because of the tight money, I can’t take leave or leave my job) and non-stop post-marriage running about, and getting stuff ready for the big move to our new house, I am left exhausted at the end of the day! Imagine adding a huge tummy to add to all that dancing around, and the nausea and dizziness they say, which comes with it..!

And of course… The Stretching. Try as I might, every time the Stretch rears its head up, it makes me feel a bit sick. I feel depressed and hurt, and it’s an effort to let the Hub-man stretch, to push down the urge to grab him back..!

Yes, when he bounces back, and things are in full happy mode, I think I can handle it all! My generosity bubbles over then and I wonder why I had to get so depressed about it when the Stretch was on. I tell myself, I’ll be all bubbly the next time he’s Stretched!

But when it does happen, THAT is when you realize it’s an effort to even keep a smile on your face…

And I’ve been having this fear the last few weeks… Each time the Stretch has come on, I somehow feel it lasts longer than the previous time. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t. I don’t know. But it feels so lonely when it is..

And if I were expecting at this time, wouldn’t it be worse? I’d be wondering all the time if the Hub-man was nice to me or the baby in me. If he was kissing me because he loves me, or if it’s only because I’m having his baby. And being in love with babies so much, the last thing I want is to be jealous of my own child! That would be disgusting of me!

So, no. No matter how much I want one, I’m not ready to have a baby yet… In any aspect of the matter.

So imagine how scary it was when I had a pregnancy scare last week! No, no! I’m not! But for the first time, I felt elation and trepidition in equal amounts, and I didn’t know what to pray for.

Isn’t it the worst when you want a baby, the choice is in your hands to have it, and you have to hope your damndest that you’re not having one?

Letting Him Be...

Praise the Lord, the Stretch is over! The time for coochie-cooing is back..!

So yesterday I was a bit off. While stepping out of the house, I have this ritual, where I peck the hub-man on the cheek, and he pecks me back. But lately I’ve been getting this feel that the peck returned is not meant.

Silly? I don’t think so. Most ladies are able to sense their’s partner’s minds. And my Hub-man’s mind told me that he was pecking for the sake of pecking. Because I would peck his mind if he did not. And bring it up again and again for a whole two weeks as I banged the pan in the sink and the remote on the table.

But I didn’t like this ‘for-the-sake-of-it’ thingie. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was meant from the heart, and he was just avoiding my lipstick. But I didn’t like it, and that was my judgement. Besides it wasn’t just that. He was on the Stretch then, so there were a million other tiny things too. Like squeezing my hand and let go almost immediately if I reach for him. And reacting with a weird smile if I lean against him, only to move away.

So I decided on pay-back yesterday. I was going to give him tit-for-tat. No being affectionate, no leaning against him or reaching for him. And if he wanted to hold my hand, this time I was going to be the one to give it a squeeze and let go!

But then I reach home, and realize the Stretch is over! Hallelujah!

And then I got to thinking. I have so many quirks. Horrible, horrible ones, in fact! I tend to cling, I become angry over the smallest of things, I have too many expectations, and the worst of them all, I expect him to read my mind..!

But he lives with it. Tries to look past these disturbing aspects to what I am within. Tries to love me FOR these quirks, rather than be irritated BECAUSE of them.

So if he has a quirk, a single quirk, where he needs to stretch every few weeks (crazy though it drives me!) can’t I live with it? Do I HAVE to punish him for it each time?

In the last month and a half, there’s not been a single week we’ve not had tension between us. Why? Because I’ve tried to react to his being busy. Whether it be his work, or his Stretch, or even something as mundane as watching a movie on his laptop. Instead, if I let it flow, wouldn’t life be easier?

Today I’ve planned a surprise for him. For a change, I’m going to let him just be.. It’ll give me an edge over our next fight, don’t you think?

And oh, yes! When I think of my marriage now, it brings a radiant smile to my face, making my colleagues wonder what new prank I'm up to now..!!!