I’ve been admiring babies the whole of last
month. Tiny babies, with mitten-fed paws hurling in the air, and noisy babies
let off to dance in the rain, or infants singing themselves to sleep (literally,
this kid sang me off too, in the seat behind mine in my overnight bus!!!).
And then I think, I want one too.
Alright, at this point, I need to make
it clear that the Hub-man and I are not at the financially stablest point of
our lives. What with EMIs and newly married thingies and everything, we’re a
bit tight in the money area for now.
And I am physically not up to having a
baby at the moment. With work going crazy (and because of the tight money, I
can’t take leave or leave my job) and non-stop post-marriage running about, and
getting stuff ready for the big move to our new house, I am left exhausted at
the end of the day! Imagine adding a huge tummy to add to all that dancing
around, and the nausea and dizziness they say, which comes with it..!
And of course… The Stretching. Try as I
might, every time the Stretch rears its head up, it makes me feel a bit sick. I
feel depressed and hurt, and it’s an effort to let the Hub-man stretch, to push
down the urge to grab him back..!
Yes, when he bounces back, and things
are in full happy mode, I think I can handle it all! My generosity bubbles over
then and I wonder why I had to get so depressed about it when the Stretch was
on. I tell myself, I’ll be all bubbly the next time he’s Stretched!
But when it does happen, THAT is when
you realize it’s an effort to even keep a smile on your face…
And I’ve been having this fear the last
few weeks… Each time the Stretch has come on, I somehow feel it lasts longer
than the previous time. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t. I don’t know. But it
feels so lonely when it is..
And if I were expecting at this time,
wouldn’t it be worse? I’d be wondering all the time if the Hub-man was nice to
me or the baby in me. If he was kissing me because he loves me, or if it’s only
because I’m having his baby. And being in love with babies so much, the last
thing I want is to be jealous of my own child! That would be disgusting of me!
So, no. No matter how much I want one,
I’m not ready to have a baby yet… In any aspect of the matter.
So imagine how scary it was when I had a
pregnancy scare last week! No, no! I’m not! But for the first time, I felt
elation and trepidition in equal amounts, and I didn’t know what to pray for.
Isn’t it the worst when you want a baby,
the choice is in your hands to have it, and you have to hope your damndest that
you’re not having one?
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