The New Year Saga

So I spent new year’s with the Hub-man. And I’m on Cloud Nine because my darling husband did not give a care for the crowd around (which included some very close relatives), and we danced, and we made merry, and we rang in the new year at midnight with a beautiful New Year’s kiss…

Sigh! That’s the stuff magic is made out of!

I’m on my weight-loss mission. Made that much more difficult by all those delish Christmas goodies lying around my workplace, and the huge pile of chocolates (Lindor, Mmm….) sent to me by my sister from the United States. And these days, I can actually FEEL that fat pile on, layer by layer, at the hips and the thighs!

BUT! I’m on a mission. I allow myself a single chocolate a day, and no Christmas goodies! And I went shopping the last week of last year! Got myself a nice couple bottles of salad dressings. And my mum gifted me a vegetable  cutter. She doesn’t know it yet, but instead of those oily, heavy, spicy curries she thinks I’ll be using it for, I’ll convert every night into Salad Nights!

Grand mixes of carrot, cauliflower and tomato can work wonders on a burgeoning thigh!

So to get back to the hot topic of the Hub-man, things have lightened up recently. I suppose getting a ‘No’ from me every time he reached out may not have been as stimulating as I thought. And he commented just last week how hectic his schedule had become recently, driving him (and me), crazy and tired to the bones!

Besides, when feeling low, I’m not the most exciting of companions… I don’t crack as many jokes or give as many smart-alecky replies.

But the last year, 2013, Hats off to you! You were splendid! You gave me dreams and a free pair of wings! I can only hope that 2014 will carry on the wonders, and lead me to a merry dance, as beautiful as the one the Hub-man led me on New Year’s Eve…

Happy New Year Everybody!

Unbalanced One at a Time

There was a huge discussion at my workplace the other day. Me, another girl and a third colleague of mine sat in a hushed circle around the computer system gossiping about the facts of Life, and countering the mis-facts the sly little minx throws at us.

Is it possible that physical relationships run out their course in a marriage? Yes, in a marriage, love, understanding and trust are very important. But then, so is romance and touching each other. You love your partner, but do they know it? It always feels nice to be told you’re loved early in the morning, doesn’t it?

But if your child sleeps between you and your partner, and the two of you have terrible work shifts, and you live with your extended family so that little touches of affection become difficult, the marriage turns into a very platonic one. And that’s not what it’s supposed to be, is it?

But there’s a very close and good friend of mine who has a marriage exactly like that. And it works for her.

And finding this out scared the bejesus out of me! So the round table discussion at work that day had me, a newly married person; another colleague who’s been married for five years; a third girl who’s been married for almost an year now.

Now, you have to understand that the third girl belongs to the glamorous range of people. The kind of person who’s always a Settler (HIMYM theory). And the guy who’s married her has to know it. Whilst the five-year-old marriage colleague can identify with a lot of my posts here, the third girl cannot. Because she’s a Settler. And the other colleague and I have balanced marriages with neither partner Settling or Reaching out.

So in this whole discussion, we discussed how often who did what. The five-years marriage said things would settle to weekends-only as time went by, and other responsibilities grew. The one-year-marriage Settler said things still went on at a nightly basis for her. And as for me, at that time of three months into my wedding, I was on an every-day or at-least-once-in-two-days point. A weekends-only as suggested by the five-year-marriage didn’t sound so bad. And then she brings up a point.

‘If it’s weekend only now, a few more years from now, and it’ll turn to ‘once a month’, and then ‘why bother’ soon enough!’

And if I wasn’t disturbed enough already, this made me sit up and cringe right down to my eyeballs!

The Hub-man wondered what was wrong with me when I tried to climb all over him that evening. And when I told him, he started laughing.

I still made him promise that that wouldn’t be us. We’d go out on date nights, I told him, and make sure we stayed connected physically every once a week at least. Yes, we’ll have other things which matter in a marriage too, like respect for each other, understanding and love, but this is important too. A platonic relationship, to me at least, is no marriage at all. It’s what I have with my sister and my marriage has to have that special spark, that difference where I can cuddle the Hub-man at night, and kiss him and hold his hand and feel the love he has for me in the rawest form of love…

Is it only the Settlers who have beautiful love lives all their lives? Do the ordinary Balanced folk turn to platonic relationships as time goes by? Is that how it is in every relationship? Or is it only in some rare cases that such things happen?

And to think I’ve reached that seven-year-phase of marriage (which is how old my friend’s marriage is) within seven months of getting married makes me cry today...

The Making Of

I’m confused. I mean, not that I am ever un-confused. But right now, more so than other times. My mother recently turned 58.  And in a couple more years, my sister and I will be holding a grand sixty celebration for her.

When I called to say happy birthday last week, my mum brought up her turning sixty in just two more years. And with  me and my sister happily married now and settled deep in our own worlds, she claimed that she wanted to bring in her grand six-O with a grandchild on each side of her to help cut the cake.

I told my Hub-man of my mother’s demands that evening as we meandered our way past the baby aisle at the local shopping mart. And to my surprise, and quite a bit of shock, the Hub-man was open to the idea.

So why was I so unhappy?

My love life (or the making of it) is almost non-existent right now. One of my most feared incidents might be about to happen to me (more of that later). This month, we’ve hit the sack for reasons other than sleeping only twice. Yes, I counted. It bothered me so much, I counted it all, even the measly ten or twelve minutes it took us!

And now, with the Hub-man focusing on a child within the next two years, is the spark in my marriage over? Fizzled out, phish, dhoosh, ghoosh?

Okay, admittedly, it wasn’t that the Hub-man was not interested all the time. About a couple of times, I’d be so tired it was me who acted as if I didn’t know he wanted it. And five other days, I was not in the place where I could actually go for it, because I was too busy clogging up something else (if you know what I mean.. Yes, disgusting, I know!). And another couple days where I’d fallen and skinned my knee, so that the Hub-man had to be extra careful while even cuddling me in bed so my leg wouldn’t hurt.

But the romance and the excitement which seemed to push us together all the time in the first half of this year was most definitely missing this month. And that got me thinking.

My Hub-man is above pointing out my weight. He tells me being a little on the heavier side has nothing to do with my looking good or hot. But it’s also been a month since I started putting on weight… And yesterday, the Hub-man commented that my behind looked a bit largish.

Largish! Can you believe it?! Like the bums of all those ladies who have huge behinds. ONLY huge behinds!

So could it be that my being unattractive (I really need to start looking after my looks again!) affects his wanting me?

I act silly sometimes. When we’re at the mall, I’ll reach out for his hand. And he’ll hold it. And then I start to wonder if he’s just holding my hand because I reached out for it, or if he wanted to hold my hand too. And if he does, why didn’t he just reach out for my hand himself? And so, I’ll pull my hand away as if I don’t want to hold his hand.

The first few times I did that, the Hub-man asked me what happened. When I said nothing, he asked me why I pulled my hand away. Now-a-days, however, the he simply glances at me sideways and doesn’t say anything.  And of course, that bothers me too!

So I’ve got hold of a new trick now. So that the Hub-man can hold my hand only if HE wants to, swing my hand with a finger sticking out, so that when my hand hits his palm, he catches hold of my finger. If he wants to hold my hand, he holds on. Or else, he lets go. It’s a win-win for both of us.

And again, in the past few days, he’s held on more than let go.

So why do I still feel as if things have gone cold?

I have a plan now. I mean to lose all this excess weight by our first registration anniversary. That’s the anniversary when I officially became Mrs. Hub-man, though not yet by the traditional way. And then I’m going to seduce him. Put that spark back in our marriage. Do the striptease and dress up and the works, you know.

 And no kids till next Christmas! No even trying ofr kids until next Christmas! Only lots of matchboxes and lighters to get that spark back on. And to make sure it doesn’t go out this time!

Jealous Minds

I think I over-reacted in that last post. It was probably one of the Stretches. Which is to say, the Hub-man's officially on the Bounce, and life is sweet again..! But then, NOW you know how badly I react every time he’s on that bend..! 

But again, I have a history of over-reacting! I over-reacted when my parents wanted to define my career, and ended up in a field I’m not interested in. I over-reacted when my best friend told me she was not going to be coming for my wedding, until I found out that she was just pulling my leg, and ended up with calling over five other guests I did not even care to invite.
And most importantly, I over-reacted when I realized how close the Hub-man’s best friend’s wife and the Hub-man were, and ended up hating the poor girl, even though I hardly knew her..!

It’s plain and simple. I was jealous. I’m still jealous. But I think I’ve started sending out the Mean Vibes whenever her name is mentioned. And I don’t think the Hub-man really appreciated that. I mean how upset would I get if he started sending Mean Vibes to my best friend?! I’d probably over-react, but that’s another story!

The main point is, she and he were quite close. The Hub-man’s best friend is a quiet sort. He doesn’t talk much. On the other hand, the Hub-man and the other’s wife can yap all day long. And combining the fact that the best friend was a bit shy of his new wife, and felt guilty about suddenly abandoning his room-mate/bestie/heart-brother (does this word even exist?!) once she came into the picture, the three of them ended up spending a lot of time doing things together. And I mean A LOT OF TIME!

They had lunch on weekends together. They had dinner on weekdays together. They went shopping and for movies together! And since the best friend didn’t talk much, it was up to these two talkers to hold up the fort. And they got along famously!

I obviously entered this story much later… Nearly eight months after the advent of the best friend’s wife. My hub-man’s a sweetie. When I first moved in to Here, he complimented me on everything. He made me feel like a Princess..!
I’d get special treatment, and sweet teasing, and compliments which made me blush. When I fell sick or cut myself chopping the onion, he’d be all over me with concern. My mistakes in keeping house were accepted lovingly, with a sprinkling of silly comments which made me laugh and blush.
And then a month later, I met the best friend and the wife for a dinner outing. Since my coming Here, the Hub-man’s hanging out with his old gang had reduced drastically. I was nervous because I knew how important they were to him. Add to that I was feeling a bit home-sick for my old friends I’d left behind in the Old City.

And imagine my disappointment, shock and upset at seeing MY Hub-man complimenting the best friend’s wife the same way he did me! And she too, blushed and laughed the same way I did!  During that dinner, there was a long story of how she fell sick and how her legs hurt from exhaustion. And I saw MY Hub-man shower her with concern. Over dessert, there was another story of her cooking adventures, and MY Hub-man teased her just as affectionately just as he did me.
All the special in my Hub-man slowly drained out of me during those grueling ninety minutes..! I was quiet through most of the evening(and for those who know me, me being quiet is a catastrophe!) and in the car, when the Hub-man asked me if everything was all right, and tried to show me concern, I shut him out.

Of course, it was no surprise I returned to my room that night with a whole list of complaints to fire at my Mom and Best friend! That other wife was a horrible person! Attention-seeking! Self-centered! A wannabe! And I hated her and missed my own friends!
I fell asleep crying, thinking that I missed my family and friends. And over the course of the next few meetings, I continued hating the other’s wife.

Only recently did I realize what had happened. And I still hate it that MY Hub-man is not unique with ME. I mean, the best friend did not compliment me the way my Hub-man complimented his wife! I don’t want him to, either. The only person who’s compliments I want is the Hub-man.

At least, I’ve stopped hating the wife right now.. And that’s an achievement, isn’t it?

Intimate Talk

This post contains some intimate talk. This is an ear muff/blindfold warning for all those readers out there with sensitive ears/eyes. If you don’t like intimacy and talking (or reading) about it, go no further! Or your ears (eyes) will be blasphemed..!

So to head to the main point, what I want to know is if men go through some non-intimacy phase. Do they once every few months feel that they need space, literally? It happened to me with the Hub-man the day we came back from our wedding vacation. My extremely romantic husband suddenly turned into this wooden creature which seemed to abhor intimacy!

And by intimacy, I don’t mean ravishing, you know. I don’t really care for ravishing. What I do want is the comfortable intimacy which exists between couples. The holding hands, coochie-cooing, nuzzling of noses…

There are times when the Hub-man is so in-tuned with me, he pulls me close for a hug in the elevator during our short ride from the ground floor to the seventh. Or pulls me to lean against him in the queue at the cashier’s in the middle of a crowded shopping mall. Or creeps up from behind to hold me from behind when I’m standing at the sink scrubbing my face.

But these days… even if I reach out for him, he’ll pull away. Oh, sure! He gets these unexpected bursts of affection at times, when he’ll call out his pet name for me, or when he’ll reach down (yes, down! I’m so much shorter than him! Urgh!) to drop me a kiss. But they’re so infrequent. And if I ever respond , he recoils back into his shell.

The other day, a friend who is to get married soon asked me about the ravishing. She’s nervous-excited about it, and since she and her fiancé have known each other and been waiting to get married for four years, it’s even more beautiful for her. The last time we’d spoken, I’d told her we did it like bunnies. And this time, I had no reply. For it seems with intimacy, the Hub-man’s inclination toward ravishing has gone down too…

Especially since I’m a person with an old school of thought, that it should be the man who should initiate any intimate contact, when the Hub-man pulls away, it feels worse to me. Not only does he NOT initiate anything himself, he does not let my attempt bear any fruit either.

Is it because I’ve put on weight? Has he lost interest in me? Or is it his work, which keeps him pre-occupied too much? Or is it just a phase he’s going through? Because this thing going on is not the Stretch. This one’s much worse than the Stretch!

Someone once told me that the best way to keep a man’s interest is to not let him know you’re too interested. And so, I quell my urge to fling my arms around the Hub-man when he reaches out for me. And I feign dis-interest in anything intimate. As if wanting him with me 24x7 is the last thing on my mind. And I hope that this phase fades away soon. It did fade awat at the time of our wedding, though it took nearly two months to do so!

Believe me, playing games with him is the last thing I want to do, but what you gotta do, you gotta do. Because all I know is, I miss my Hub-man these days…

My Hub-Man, The Nightbird!!

The Hub-man is a night-bird. I mean, he can be up by 5 in the morning, drive over a hundred miles to get to the countryside, tramp all over the grass to take photos, drive back, survive on chips and biscuits and tea the whole day, and stay up half the night after!

Whoever heard of a man who does not need sleep?!

Me, on the other hand? I crashed on the way to the country, crashed on the way back, and collapsed on the bed the moment we entered the house! I need sleep like most people need air. I crave it in the late afternoons when long excel files keep me up. I lust for it in the early mornings when the Hub-man’s alarm announces its time to be up. And most of all, I fight to keep my eyes open by the clock ticks its way to the digit ten!

It’s hard being married to a man who hardly sleeps. It seems to me sometimes, that even when he IS sleepy, he avoids it. As if going to bed early would ruin his reputation of not needing sleep. The way I like to put up an appearance that I love to ride in the rain, even when I don’t want to, and would fight to go for a ride out.

Besides the fact that I hate going to bed alone, it just disturbs me that he’s awake out there. It’s not that I want him in bed to ravish him or anything, but it would be nice to have the Hub-man in bed, next to me, at night, when the creatures of the dark come to raid the house! Besides, the ravishing happens before bed-time. Waaaaay before bed-time!

And it’s not really possible for me to seduce him to bed either, not that I’m a great seductress. I hate getting into those tight nighties, for one, and I really don’t feel like ravishing every single night! Because, really, if I had to seduce him to bed, I’d have to do it EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, because that is how often he stays up late!

So we’d gone out yesterday evening, and by the time we got back, it was past ten. By the time I decided to go to bed, it was already nearly midnight. And the Hub-man, when I wished him goodnight, promised to come in soon. At around one-thirty, I wake up to see the lights still on. I called out to him, and I got no answer. And when I walked out to look, he was sleeping on the sofa, with his laptop running!!

I was furious! I woke him up, and he was startled and declared he wasn’t sleeping. When I went in, I turned to see him rewinding the series he’d been watching to catch up on the part he’s missed. I shouted at him then, to watch it the next day!

Later when he came to bed, he placed an arm over me. I didn’t pull away, but I didn’t respond either. When I turned on my side, he reached out slowly, hesitatingly, to hold my hand. When I let him hold it, he quickly pulled it toward himself and fell asleep with his hand over mine.

Yes, that last part had me laughing a bit, to see him scared of my reaction. But I’d rather it never came to that… I’m going to announce a bed-time curfew for him tonight. But since he’s on the Stretch, I’m not really sure how it’s going to go… Sigh, the travails of a married woman, I tell you!

Documented and Filed!

The time it takes to go from one Stretch to the next is three weeks. How do I know? I tabled it (smirk with pride)!

Of course, as every perfect research goes, mine had to be riddled with too many worms! No, no! Not holes, worms!

Week 1: The Stretch has just set in. That would be the cue for my thoughts to begin their waltz. Does he not love me now? Does he get irritated of me much? Is he even attracted to me anymore? Why doesn’t he hold my hand now-a-days!

And yes, we were shifting at the time, so keeping a check on the Stretch duration was just a wee bit difficult..! I mean, when you reach home past midnight, barely able to stand upright, love is not the top-most thing on your mind, is it? Of course, unless you’re obssessed with it - like me!

Week 2: So we’re finally settled in, the Hubman’s parents and mine have come Here, visited and left too. And now, the air is sizzling! We walk on the roads hand-in-hand, don’t let go even while driving, snuggle on the couch all warm and cozy… Where each day spent at work is a day spent missing each other, and the moment we step into the house, we’re grinning like idiots, because we’re looking at each other again. Sigh, Heaven on Earth with my darling Hub-man!

And then it gets a bit too much. The dancing around me is starting to get on my nerves. Is this the same Hub-man who grimaces during the Stretch? Is this the same me who pines for this dancing?!

Week 3: The fervor has lowered, but the passion remains. We’re now holding hands in public, but thankfully not scaring the world with horror teeth-and-gum-display-grins anymore..! The thingies in the house now revolve around intelligent conversations, deeper understanding and comfortable, loving, confident teasing. The Hub-man takes me out, treats me to fancy buys, stuffs me on gorgeous foods and smiles at me at the oddest of times, setting my heart a-tingle!
We’re vacationing at Home right now, and I am predicting that the Stretch will begin the moment we enter Here!!!

Week 4: So now the passion has lowered a notch, and it’s only love which is keeping me going! Yes, you got it! It’s the prelude to the Stretch! THAT infamous, horrible, horrible period is about to begin… And the problem is, I off-set it again!

I fell sick in the bus. High fever, scratchy throat, the usual fall-sick works. And the Hub-man switched mode from Stretch-y Hubman to Concerned, Loving Hub-Super-Man…! Aah, how sweet is my man!

And the story ends with the Hub-man in the Week 1 phase once again! But at least I know what to expect now..! 
But as the saying goes, the Stretch will make my heart grow fonder. And if it's fonder of Cheese-its, don't blame me! The Hubman's stretch is at fault!!!