A Strength Not to be Misused!

I believe crying is a strength. When I cry, it releases me from within. Otherwise I'm like this tingling nerve-ball, which can't get it's act together. But when I cry, I release that angry tension, and I build up wild scenarios in my head instead. Much healthier, trust me..!
'The Hub-man and I are not talking, and we won't be talking anymore at all, and things are going to remain this way, and he hates me, and our marriage is just going to be huge charade, and it's all over!' Nice, huh? Oh, trust me, this is one the milder scenarios!
But when I cry, I like to do it in private. Tears don't come to me easily. And when they do, they come right from within. It's a private thing. Sure I wish I could use it to emo-blackmail the Hub-man, but, no. That wouldn't be fair, now, would it? And it would absolutely decimate the value of my tears.

So the point is, I never cry around the Hub-man. And so yesterday, after I'd stormed off to my room, I stayed there a bit to cry. Everything seemed so very overwhelming!
I mean, it's just been two months since our wedding (technically, it's one month and 30 days) and we're already fighting. Sometimes it's his work, sometimes it's nothing. The last whole month, not a week has gone by when there wasn't this weird tension between us. Yes, there have been days I wish I could capture in a golden frame, but also these horrible, horrible days too!
I received a mail today, which said it hoped to find me in good health and prosperity. And my thought was, yeah, but what's the point?
Should marriage reach such a point within a few days that you feel hopeless? Shouldn't marriage, when you think of it, bring a smile to your face? Or is it alright that you think of your Hub-man and wish things were better? That you miss him, and want to be with him? Want him to want to be with you?

I have security issues. I find it hard to believe that the Hub-man loves me. That I'm someone he would actually WANT to spend the rest of his life with. And especially after days like yesterday, the feeling only worsens...

So yesterday, after my crying bout, over dinner, I was very quiet. He was quiet too. To my mind (with the insecurity and the wild scenarios), he was irritated with my silence, and couldn't be bothered to set things right. But as I was leaving for bed after some time, he caught my hand. And I couldn't hold it in anymore. I broke down crying to him.

Disgusting, I know! And of course, things became a bit better after that, because the Hub-man was really freaked by the water-show..! Of course, I couldn't tell him why I was crying, because as I've been told once, you should never have a serious discussion when you're crying, or the Hub-man agrees to everything just out of intimidation! And that's not a real discussion.

Now, if only I could demand my birthday gift in this manner...

Cheese too much?

I don't get angry. This means that I don't shout and scream and hit out in anger at the person next to me. Nope, not at all. What I do get is a Silent Angry. And when THAT happens, you don't want to be around me. I close up the air when I get that. There'll develop a strange silence in the house, and to my face you couldn't say what is wrong, but you KNOW that something is VERY WRONG.
But the irony of it all is, I cannot bear it when the reaction to my being Silent Angry is the Hub-man getting angry in return. That bursts the silence like a pin bursting a beautifully crafted balloon figurine!
So yesterday, something was wrong. Like I said, the Hub-man is in Stretch zone right now. He's this silent brooding guy right now, someone I feel like I have to walk on egg-shells around. All while trying to keep up the charade of being merry (reference, 'Men are from Mars..' And yes, I know! I know!)!!
Add to this that we're moving into our first, own home at the end of next month, and our parents are coming to stay with us. For all of three days! Disappointing. Very disappointing. I mean, who else do we have to share our house with Here?
And my sister's been out of touch the last couple weeks. The time difference separating the to of us makes it really difficult for us to keep in touch, and the last couple of weeks have been really hectic at both our ends, stretching (I'm starting to hate the word..!!) our limits and conditions (and terms. Kidding.)
So all in all, my patience has been pulled REALLY thin and I feel as if I'm walking on a high-tension wire the whole time. And yesterday, when the Hub-man seemed COMPLETELY out of humor, it really tested my endurance. I said something (I don't remember what, but since I said it, it must have been something NICE!) and he said, 'Okay.' And I was like, 'What?' And somehow the conversation turned to something about me being cheesy.

Yes, I'm cheesy. I love cheese, and sometimes cheesy is nice! But, according to the Hub-man, sometimes I get TOO cheesy. I said , 'Ok-aaay.' Now, for anybody who knows me, the 'ok-aaay' is a warning sign. But to the hub-man who was engrossed in the poll estimations, it was lost. I asked him to tell me how. And to the poor guy already out of humor, it wasn't really a fun conversation.
To cut the long story short, I said at the end, 'Fine!' And a couple of minutes later, I stormed off into the bedroom.

Sigh... Can someone fetch me the cheese-knife please?!!

Learning No Three (Or is it fifty?)

I wouldn't say I'm the dullest pea in the pod, but I'm not exactly great at GK. I mean, yes, I'm a marketing post-grad, but I don't usually pay attention to the details which follow. For example, I couldn't care less whether Good Day biscuits belong to Brittania. I couldn't even be bothered to know if Good Day and Brittania are two different brands, or a sub-brand!
Blasphemous, I know, and that, too, I don't care!
The important thing is, and which I know for sure, is that I'm bright. If I like something, I'm not only good, I'm awesome at it! Nobody can beat me, fair and square, or even by the crooked finger method! Take writing for example. If I weren't so lazy, and found the time to complete my manuscripts, I'd be the number one writer in the world right now! Even if I say so myself... Sigh!
But I realized today, that it's important to show to the Hub-man that I am bright. I mean, how long has he known me? Four months? Five, at the most? And three out of those were spent being polite to each other, trying hard to get in each others' good books!
He knows I write. When he reads my blogs or novel write-ups, he gets hooked. Excited to read the next part. And he knows I'm witty, cool, bright. But when faced with a constant deluge of unawareness, just because I can't be bothered, is it possible he thinks me not smart..?
I left for work before him today, and as usual, dropped him a message to let him know that my wild-driving hadn't kill me yet. He replied after he reached work that his safe driving, despite the maniacal driving of others on the road, had reached him safely to work too.

As is his habit, he wished me a good day at work. In keeping with my new ideology, I replied, 'You have a good day too, and a Britannia after that!'
Yes, yes, don't get on my back! Good Day is a sub-brand of Britannia!! I know that now, because the Hub-man sent me a message telling me so right after! The worst thing is, he didn't reply when I dropped him a normal acknowledgement message first. What he did say in the message he sent (filled with funny smilies to soften the blow) was to change Britannia to Cream Crackers or Bourbon if I insisted on using the joke again (my ridiculous jokes bring the reason for his continual good-humored frustration). Why? Did he worry I might use the joke again, and it might result in somebody else ridiculing my lack of GK?


He was in one of 'those' phases again. You know, the 'stretching away' phase? Maybe that was what made it worse, I don't know... On the returning from the stretch, but on the stretch all the same! And it is possible this incident pushed him on the forward stretch again. Because, yes, when you think your partner's not smart enough, it can be a turn-off..
When you're smart, you gotta prove to 'em you're smart! Why behave stupid? Or why be like, 'Oops! I got my foot in my mouth again!'? Because if you do, it becomes embarrassing to be corrected by the one person you're trying to impress! And then you gotta accept that he just wants to protect you and live with that hat!

The Transition

Life at home is nice. Comfortable, ie as comfortable as it can get at your in-laws place. Trust me, when your mom-in-law insists you relax while she clears up the kitchen, things get fidgety within you! Especially when there's nothing else to do but go grab an afternoon siesta while the poor lady works away..!
But I survive. There have been a few instances when I've felt I behaved a bit with the mom-in-law as I'd do with my own mum, and then spent hours wondering if I'd been rude..! But she's pretty cool. Different, but cool.

BUT I'm much more comfortable Here, a whole eight hours away. I miss Home, wish I could go back more often, but it's comfortable Here.

So imagine my disappointment when the Hub-man went into what I have learnt to call his 'Stretch' zone the first time we came Here. It had been a grueling twelve hour drive in stormy weather, and we were exhausted. I missed home like crazy, and the Hub-man really did not help when he disappeared into the 'Stretch' zone the day (or the night, to be precise) we landed.
The Stretch zone is defined in the book 'Men are from Mars..' as the instance when the Man feels that he has achieved whatever it is that he had to achieve. He feels he has got his love, and his life is exactly where he wants it. He now needs to find himself, and for this, he stretches away from the Woman, taking time to be with 'Himself'. No, he doesn't go off anywhere, it would be easier if he did! He is right there, just lost away from you, within himself.
Yes, I know, I know! Taking knowledge away from these kinda books is the first road leading to a bad relationship! But it's true! And as I have learnt in the case of the Hub-man, if we've spent a particularly loving day or weekend together, I can expect him to disappear the next day. And he won't even know what he's doing.

Thankfully, the first time he pulled that on me, I was prepared. Upset, but prepared. I had read the book from cover to cover way back in my graduation, and the phrase 'Rubber-band stretching away' jumped at me when he seemed to disappear into thin air right in front of my eyes!

The book said to leave him be. If I clung or lost my cheerfulness, his stretch would lengthen and stretch until he had completely withdrawn from me. Because apparently, he needs that space sometimes. The only thing is that after I've spent an entire day at work agonizing over his 'Stretch', I return home to find a whistling Hub-man acting all normal.

That's enough to drive the sanest of them up the wall, and for bat-crazy people like me, it can really get murderous!!!

And after the Bride is no longer the Bride!

I bubbled with love the evening we came home from the wedding. Every time I looked at my husband, my newly married, tip-top, shining husband, I felt this small fountain inside of me pool up and flow over my face. And what made it even more heavenly was that I saw it on his face too. We were surrounded by his relatives on all side, but all I knew was that I wanted to be with him. Alone.
Yes, cheesy and freaky as it sounds, I didn't want to share him. With anybody else. For even five minutes! I hated it that he stood off to the side with his cousins and friends at the weekend lunch, and that he was out of my reach, and even sight, at the family dinner. By the time the weekend rolled over and Sunday crawled to a close, I was counting down to the seconds when I would have my Hub-man all to myself.
And then I realized I was too exhausted with the the whole week that had gone behind us to do anything about it!
So I was happily married all of seven days, when we went on our honeymoon. It was a beautiful resort in the middle of no where, I tell you, and it was amazingly private. All around us were happy honeymooners, cuddling together, holding hands and coochie-cooing to the 'oohs' and 'aahs' of the resort staff.
And MY darling Hub-man had issues with PDA.
I mean, seriously?! Here?! Where all around us happy couples of OUR age and OUR type, ALL NEWLY MARRIED are coochie-cooing together, you have an issue with holding hands?! Of course, when we were walking on path alone, or sharing an umbrella from the heavy downpoar, there was some coochie-cooing from our side too..
But, it felt lonely when he sat in the coffee shop, checking mails on the wi-fi, a whole table away. Why did he think the resort was built with no wi-fi anywhere else, and designed to block cell phone signals all around?

And that was our honeymoon. A four-day outing, out of which two were spent travelling to and forth, and the other two trying to slack away our exhaustion..! Yes, it was beautiful. It was lovely. I fell in love with my Hub-man's attempts to make me happy, and to make sure I was comfortable and got everything I needed at all times.
The only problem was, I needed him more than anything else...

He doesn't usually pick up hints. He find it  hard to adapt to change. He prefers capturing single shots of me to asking someone to capture both of us in a single frame, even though it's out honeymoon. But he tries. And that is the most heartbreaking-ly beautiful thing about my Hub-man...

Being the Bride!

I love my husband. My family's awesome, and my parents, sister and friends have made life that much more beautiful for me, but the Hub-man is the best thing that has happened to me in a long, long time (discounting of course, the everyday goodies which a person gets used to in life), the last best thing that happened to me being over ten years ago! And believe me you, ten years is a really long time of waiting, especially if your everyday life is a drudge of work-sleep-work, weekend outings to the mall and back, and bi-monthly outings home to visit your parents. And even more if you're someone who is in love with weddings, and have wedded off a mix of four siblings and cousins in a single year!
I've wanted to be in a wedding of my own ever since my uncle got married back in the early nineties. His bride was welcomed into her new home with such love and adoration it made everybody's eyes tear (and after too, but that's a story for another time!!!), and her bridal trousseau was so beautiful it made me fall in love with weddings.
Ever since that one wedding, every other wedding I've attended I've done so with a singular aim in mind; Learning to be a 'Bride'. How does that work? Don't ask me, I attended the course and failed miserably. I was the most shameful bride ever!
For starters, I couldn't blush. Have you ever heard of a bride who doesn't blush? The photographer made me and the Hub-man pose in various lewd positions, on the stage, in front of our entire families, and I couldn't blush! How much more embarrassing could it get, I ask you!
I had to bite off a tiny piece of clove the Hub-man held in his teeth (and where I come from, even TOUCHING is a no-no in public!!!), and I didn't blush. I had to literally balance myself on his arm while i crossed over a pool of fire and brimstone (kidding, it was only boiling oil), and I didn't blush. I had to wipe snot off my nose at the end of the wedding into a much abused kerchief and I didn't blush!!
Twelve years of studying brides gone down the drain... Sigh!
BUT! I was a bride...! And I have a smart, dashing, tall, broad-shouldered hunk of a Hub-man to prove it!!! But after the Being a Bride part is over, more thingies follow... Thingies not so easy to adapt to. The most difficult of them all being that the focus has to shift from Being the Bride to Being the Wife!! Sigh... Wedding to Marriage. The Transition!
Now if I can only drag my eyes away from those broad, broad shoulders a minute, I'll take some time out to write out a bit of the other thingies which involve the wedding.. Marriage! I meant marriage!

Yes. Marriage. So see you 'round again!