I believe crying is a strength. When I cry, it releases me from within. Otherwise I'm like this tingling nerve-ball, which can't get it's act together. But when I cry, I release that angry tension, and I build up wild scenarios in my head instead. Much healthier, trust me..!
'The Hub-man and I are not talking, and we won't be talking anymore at all, and things are going to remain this way, and he hates me, and our marriage is just going to be huge charade, and it's all over!' Nice, huh? Oh, trust me, this is one the milder scenarios!
But when I cry, I like to do it in private. Tears don't come to me easily. And when they do, they come right from within. It's a private thing. Sure I wish I could use it to emo-blackmail the Hub-man, but, no. That wouldn't be fair, now, would it? And it would absolutely decimate the value of my tears.
So the point is, I never cry around the Hub-man. And so yesterday, after I'd stormed off to my room, I stayed there a bit to cry. Everything seemed so very overwhelming!
I mean, it's just been two months since our wedding (technically, it's one month and 30 days) and we're already fighting. Sometimes it's his work, sometimes it's nothing. The last whole month, not a week has gone by when there wasn't this weird tension between us. Yes, there have been days I wish I could capture in a golden frame, but also these horrible, horrible days too!
I received a mail today, which said it hoped to find me in good health and prosperity. And my thought was, yeah, but what's the point?
Should marriage reach such a point within a few days that you feel hopeless? Shouldn't marriage, when you think of it, bring a smile to your face? Or is it alright that you think of your Hub-man and wish things were better? That you miss him, and want to be with him? Want him to want to be with you?
I have security issues. I find it hard to believe that the Hub-man loves me. That I'm someone he would actually WANT to spend the rest of his life with. And especially after days like yesterday, the feeling only worsens...
So yesterday, after my crying bout, over dinner, I was very quiet. He was quiet too. To my mind (with the insecurity and the wild scenarios), he was irritated with my silence, and couldn't be bothered to set things right. But as I was leaving for bed after some time, he caught my hand. And I couldn't hold it in anymore. I broke down crying to him.
Disgusting, I know! And of course, things became a bit better after that, because the Hub-man was really freaked by the water-show..! Of course, I couldn't tell him why I was crying, because as I've been told once, you should never have a serious discussion when you're crying, or the Hub-man agrees to everything just out of intimidation! And that's not a real discussion.
Now, if only I could demand my birthday gift in this manner...
'The Hub-man and I are not talking, and we won't be talking anymore at all, and things are going to remain this way, and he hates me, and our marriage is just going to be huge charade, and it's all over!' Nice, huh? Oh, trust me, this is one the milder scenarios!
But when I cry, I like to do it in private. Tears don't come to me easily. And when they do, they come right from within. It's a private thing. Sure I wish I could use it to emo-blackmail the Hub-man, but, no. That wouldn't be fair, now, would it? And it would absolutely decimate the value of my tears.
So the point is, I never cry around the Hub-man. And so yesterday, after I'd stormed off to my room, I stayed there a bit to cry. Everything seemed so very overwhelming!
I mean, it's just been two months since our wedding (technically, it's one month and 30 days) and we're already fighting. Sometimes it's his work, sometimes it's nothing. The last whole month, not a week has gone by when there wasn't this weird tension between us. Yes, there have been days I wish I could capture in a golden frame, but also these horrible, horrible days too!
I received a mail today, which said it hoped to find me in good health and prosperity. And my thought was, yeah, but what's the point?
Should marriage reach such a point within a few days that you feel hopeless? Shouldn't marriage, when you think of it, bring a smile to your face? Or is it alright that you think of your Hub-man and wish things were better? That you miss him, and want to be with him? Want him to want to be with you?
I have security issues. I find it hard to believe that the Hub-man loves me. That I'm someone he would actually WANT to spend the rest of his life with. And especially after days like yesterday, the feeling only worsens...
So yesterday, after my crying bout, over dinner, I was very quiet. He was quiet too. To my mind (with the insecurity and the wild scenarios), he was irritated with my silence, and couldn't be bothered to set things right. But as I was leaving for bed after some time, he caught my hand. And I couldn't hold it in anymore. I broke down crying to him.
Disgusting, I know! And of course, things became a bit better after that, because the Hub-man was really freaked by the water-show..! Of course, I couldn't tell him why I was crying, because as I've been told once, you should never have a serious discussion when you're crying, or the Hub-man agrees to everything just out of intimidation! And that's not a real discussion.
Now, if only I could demand my birthday gift in this manner...
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