Baby Blues

When your mind is not at peace, you can’t think about the future..

I’ve been admiring babies the whole of last month. Tiny babies, with mitten-fed paws hurling in the air, and noisy babies let off to dance in the rain, or infants singing themselves to sleep (literally, this kid sang me off too, in the seat behind mine in my overnight bus!!!).

And then I think, I want one too.

Alright, at this point, I need to make it clear that the Hub-man and I are not at the financially stablest point of our lives. What with EMIs and newly married thingies and everything, we’re a bit tight in the money area for now.

And I am physically not up to having a baby at the moment. With work going crazy (and because of the tight money, I can’t take leave or leave my job) and non-stop post-marriage running about, and getting stuff ready for the big move to our new house, I am left exhausted at the end of the day! Imagine adding a huge tummy to add to all that dancing around, and the nausea and dizziness they say, which comes with it..!

And of course… The Stretching. Try as I might, every time the Stretch rears its head up, it makes me feel a bit sick. I feel depressed and hurt, and it’s an effort to let the Hub-man stretch, to push down the urge to grab him back..!

Yes, when he bounces back, and things are in full happy mode, I think I can handle it all! My generosity bubbles over then and I wonder why I had to get so depressed about it when the Stretch was on. I tell myself, I’ll be all bubbly the next time he’s Stretched!

But when it does happen, THAT is when you realize it’s an effort to even keep a smile on your face…

And I’ve been having this fear the last few weeks… Each time the Stretch has come on, I somehow feel it lasts longer than the previous time. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t. I don’t know. But it feels so lonely when it is..

And if I were expecting at this time, wouldn’t it be worse? I’d be wondering all the time if the Hub-man was nice to me or the baby in me. If he was kissing me because he loves me, or if it’s only because I’m having his baby. And being in love with babies so much, the last thing I want is to be jealous of my own child! That would be disgusting of me!

So, no. No matter how much I want one, I’m not ready to have a baby yet… In any aspect of the matter.

So imagine how scary it was when I had a pregnancy scare last week! No, no! I’m not! But for the first time, I felt elation and trepidition in equal amounts, and I didn’t know what to pray for.

Isn’t it the worst when you want a baby, the choice is in your hands to have it, and you have to hope your damndest that you’re not having one?

Letting Him Be...

Praise the Lord, the Stretch is over! The time for coochie-cooing is back..!

So yesterday I was a bit off. While stepping out of the house, I have this ritual, where I peck the hub-man on the cheek, and he pecks me back. But lately I’ve been getting this feel that the peck returned is not meant.

Silly? I don’t think so. Most ladies are able to sense their’s partner’s minds. And my Hub-man’s mind told me that he was pecking for the sake of pecking. Because I would peck his mind if he did not. And bring it up again and again for a whole two weeks as I banged the pan in the sink and the remote on the table.

But I didn’t like this ‘for-the-sake-of-it’ thingie. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was meant from the heart, and he was just avoiding my lipstick. But I didn’t like it, and that was my judgement. Besides it wasn’t just that. He was on the Stretch then, so there were a million other tiny things too. Like squeezing my hand and let go almost immediately if I reach for him. And reacting with a weird smile if I lean against him, only to move away.

So I decided on pay-back yesterday. I was going to give him tit-for-tat. No being affectionate, no leaning against him or reaching for him. And if he wanted to hold my hand, this time I was going to be the one to give it a squeeze and let go!

But then I reach home, and realize the Stretch is over! Hallelujah!

And then I got to thinking. I have so many quirks. Horrible, horrible ones, in fact! I tend to cling, I become angry over the smallest of things, I have too many expectations, and the worst of them all, I expect him to read my mind..!

But he lives with it. Tries to look past these disturbing aspects to what I am within. Tries to love me FOR these quirks, rather than be irritated BECAUSE of them.

So if he has a quirk, a single quirk, where he needs to stretch every few weeks (crazy though it drives me!) can’t I live with it? Do I HAVE to punish him for it each time?

In the last month and a half, there’s not been a single week we’ve not had tension between us. Why? Because I’ve tried to react to his being busy. Whether it be his work, or his Stretch, or even something as mundane as watching a movie on his laptop. Instead, if I let it flow, wouldn’t life be easier?

Today I’ve planned a surprise for him. For a change, I’m going to let him just be.. It’ll give me an edge over our next fight, don’t you think?

And oh, yes! When I think of my marriage now, it brings a radiant smile to my face, making my colleagues wonder what new prank I'm up to now..!!!

A Strength Not to be Misused!

I believe crying is a strength. When I cry, it releases me from within. Otherwise I'm like this tingling nerve-ball, which can't get it's act together. But when I cry, I release that angry tension, and I build up wild scenarios in my head instead. Much healthier, trust me..!
'The Hub-man and I are not talking, and we won't be talking anymore at all, and things are going to remain this way, and he hates me, and our marriage is just going to be huge charade, and it's all over!' Nice, huh? Oh, trust me, this is one the milder scenarios!
But when I cry, I like to do it in private. Tears don't come to me easily. And when they do, they come right from within. It's a private thing. Sure I wish I could use it to emo-blackmail the Hub-man, but, no. That wouldn't be fair, now, would it? And it would absolutely decimate the value of my tears.

So the point is, I never cry around the Hub-man. And so yesterday, after I'd stormed off to my room, I stayed there a bit to cry. Everything seemed so very overwhelming!
I mean, it's just been two months since our wedding (technically, it's one month and 30 days) and we're already fighting. Sometimes it's his work, sometimes it's nothing. The last whole month, not a week has gone by when there wasn't this weird tension between us. Yes, there have been days I wish I could capture in a golden frame, but also these horrible, horrible days too!
I received a mail today, which said it hoped to find me in good health and prosperity. And my thought was, yeah, but what's the point?
Should marriage reach such a point within a few days that you feel hopeless? Shouldn't marriage, when you think of it, bring a smile to your face? Or is it alright that you think of your Hub-man and wish things were better? That you miss him, and want to be with him? Want him to want to be with you?

I have security issues. I find it hard to believe that the Hub-man loves me. That I'm someone he would actually WANT to spend the rest of his life with. And especially after days like yesterday, the feeling only worsens...

So yesterday, after my crying bout, over dinner, I was very quiet. He was quiet too. To my mind (with the insecurity and the wild scenarios), he was irritated with my silence, and couldn't be bothered to set things right. But as I was leaving for bed after some time, he caught my hand. And I couldn't hold it in anymore. I broke down crying to him.

Disgusting, I know! And of course, things became a bit better after that, because the Hub-man was really freaked by the water-show..! Of course, I couldn't tell him why I was crying, because as I've been told once, you should never have a serious discussion when you're crying, or the Hub-man agrees to everything just out of intimidation! And that's not a real discussion.

Now, if only I could demand my birthday gift in this manner...

Cheese too much?

I don't get angry. This means that I don't shout and scream and hit out in anger at the person next to me. Nope, not at all. What I do get is a Silent Angry. And when THAT happens, you don't want to be around me. I close up the air when I get that. There'll develop a strange silence in the house, and to my face you couldn't say what is wrong, but you KNOW that something is VERY WRONG.
But the irony of it all is, I cannot bear it when the reaction to my being Silent Angry is the Hub-man getting angry in return. That bursts the silence like a pin bursting a beautifully crafted balloon figurine!
So yesterday, something was wrong. Like I said, the Hub-man is in Stretch zone right now. He's this silent brooding guy right now, someone I feel like I have to walk on egg-shells around. All while trying to keep up the charade of being merry (reference, 'Men are from Mars..' And yes, I know! I know!)!!
Add to this that we're moving into our first, own home at the end of next month, and our parents are coming to stay with us. For all of three days! Disappointing. Very disappointing. I mean, who else do we have to share our house with Here?
And my sister's been out of touch the last couple weeks. The time difference separating the to of us makes it really difficult for us to keep in touch, and the last couple of weeks have been really hectic at both our ends, stretching (I'm starting to hate the word..!!) our limits and conditions (and terms. Kidding.)
So all in all, my patience has been pulled REALLY thin and I feel as if I'm walking on a high-tension wire the whole time. And yesterday, when the Hub-man seemed COMPLETELY out of humor, it really tested my endurance. I said something (I don't remember what, but since I said it, it must have been something NICE!) and he said, 'Okay.' And I was like, 'What?' And somehow the conversation turned to something about me being cheesy.

Yes, I'm cheesy. I love cheese, and sometimes cheesy is nice! But, according to the Hub-man, sometimes I get TOO cheesy. I said , 'Ok-aaay.' Now, for anybody who knows me, the 'ok-aaay' is a warning sign. But to the hub-man who was engrossed in the poll estimations, it was lost. I asked him to tell me how. And to the poor guy already out of humor, it wasn't really a fun conversation.
To cut the long story short, I said at the end, 'Fine!' And a couple of minutes later, I stormed off into the bedroom.

Sigh... Can someone fetch me the cheese-knife please?!!

Learning No Three (Or is it fifty?)

I wouldn't say I'm the dullest pea in the pod, but I'm not exactly great at GK. I mean, yes, I'm a marketing post-grad, but I don't usually pay attention to the details which follow. For example, I couldn't care less whether Good Day biscuits belong to Brittania. I couldn't even be bothered to know if Good Day and Brittania are two different brands, or a sub-brand!
Blasphemous, I know, and that, too, I don't care!
The important thing is, and which I know for sure, is that I'm bright. If I like something, I'm not only good, I'm awesome at it! Nobody can beat me, fair and square, or even by the crooked finger method! Take writing for example. If I weren't so lazy, and found the time to complete my manuscripts, I'd be the number one writer in the world right now! Even if I say so myself... Sigh!
But I realized today, that it's important to show to the Hub-man that I am bright. I mean, how long has he known me? Four months? Five, at the most? And three out of those were spent being polite to each other, trying hard to get in each others' good books!
He knows I write. When he reads my blogs or novel write-ups, he gets hooked. Excited to read the next part. And he knows I'm witty, cool, bright. But when faced with a constant deluge of unawareness, just because I can't be bothered, is it possible he thinks me not smart..?
I left for work before him today, and as usual, dropped him a message to let him know that my wild-driving hadn't kill me yet. He replied after he reached work that his safe driving, despite the maniacal driving of others on the road, had reached him safely to work too.

As is his habit, he wished me a good day at work. In keeping with my new ideology, I replied, 'You have a good day too, and a Britannia after that!'
Yes, yes, don't get on my back! Good Day is a sub-brand of Britannia!! I know that now, because the Hub-man sent me a message telling me so right after! The worst thing is, he didn't reply when I dropped him a normal acknowledgement message first. What he did say in the message he sent (filled with funny smilies to soften the blow) was to change Britannia to Cream Crackers or Bourbon if I insisted on using the joke again (my ridiculous jokes bring the reason for his continual good-humored frustration). Why? Did he worry I might use the joke again, and it might result in somebody else ridiculing my lack of GK?


He was in one of 'those' phases again. You know, the 'stretching away' phase? Maybe that was what made it worse, I don't know... On the returning from the stretch, but on the stretch all the same! And it is possible this incident pushed him on the forward stretch again. Because, yes, when you think your partner's not smart enough, it can be a turn-off..
When you're smart, you gotta prove to 'em you're smart! Why behave stupid? Or why be like, 'Oops! I got my foot in my mouth again!'? Because if you do, it becomes embarrassing to be corrected by the one person you're trying to impress! And then you gotta accept that he just wants to protect you and live with that hat!

The Transition

Life at home is nice. Comfortable, ie as comfortable as it can get at your in-laws place. Trust me, when your mom-in-law insists you relax while she clears up the kitchen, things get fidgety within you! Especially when there's nothing else to do but go grab an afternoon siesta while the poor lady works away..!
But I survive. There have been a few instances when I've felt I behaved a bit with the mom-in-law as I'd do with my own mum, and then spent hours wondering if I'd been rude..! But she's pretty cool. Different, but cool.

BUT I'm much more comfortable Here, a whole eight hours away. I miss Home, wish I could go back more often, but it's comfortable Here.

So imagine my disappointment when the Hub-man went into what I have learnt to call his 'Stretch' zone the first time we came Here. It had been a grueling twelve hour drive in stormy weather, and we were exhausted. I missed home like crazy, and the Hub-man really did not help when he disappeared into the 'Stretch' zone the day (or the night, to be precise) we landed.
The Stretch zone is defined in the book 'Men are from Mars..' as the instance when the Man feels that he has achieved whatever it is that he had to achieve. He feels he has got his love, and his life is exactly where he wants it. He now needs to find himself, and for this, he stretches away from the Woman, taking time to be with 'Himself'. No, he doesn't go off anywhere, it would be easier if he did! He is right there, just lost away from you, within himself.
Yes, I know, I know! Taking knowledge away from these kinda books is the first road leading to a bad relationship! But it's true! And as I have learnt in the case of the Hub-man, if we've spent a particularly loving day or weekend together, I can expect him to disappear the next day. And he won't even know what he's doing.

Thankfully, the first time he pulled that on me, I was prepared. Upset, but prepared. I had read the book from cover to cover way back in my graduation, and the phrase 'Rubber-band stretching away' jumped at me when he seemed to disappear into thin air right in front of my eyes!

The book said to leave him be. If I clung or lost my cheerfulness, his stretch would lengthen and stretch until he had completely withdrawn from me. Because apparently, he needs that space sometimes. The only thing is that after I've spent an entire day at work agonizing over his 'Stretch', I return home to find a whistling Hub-man acting all normal.

That's enough to drive the sanest of them up the wall, and for bat-crazy people like me, it can really get murderous!!!

And after the Bride is no longer the Bride!

I bubbled with love the evening we came home from the wedding. Every time I looked at my husband, my newly married, tip-top, shining husband, I felt this small fountain inside of me pool up and flow over my face. And what made it even more heavenly was that I saw it on his face too. We were surrounded by his relatives on all side, but all I knew was that I wanted to be with him. Alone.
Yes, cheesy and freaky as it sounds, I didn't want to share him. With anybody else. For even five minutes! I hated it that he stood off to the side with his cousins and friends at the weekend lunch, and that he was out of my reach, and even sight, at the family dinner. By the time the weekend rolled over and Sunday crawled to a close, I was counting down to the seconds when I would have my Hub-man all to myself.
And then I realized I was too exhausted with the the whole week that had gone behind us to do anything about it!
So I was happily married all of seven days, when we went on our honeymoon. It was a beautiful resort in the middle of no where, I tell you, and it was amazingly private. All around us were happy honeymooners, cuddling together, holding hands and coochie-cooing to the 'oohs' and 'aahs' of the resort staff.
And MY darling Hub-man had issues with PDA.
I mean, seriously?! Here?! Where all around us happy couples of OUR age and OUR type, ALL NEWLY MARRIED are coochie-cooing together, you have an issue with holding hands?! Of course, when we were walking on path alone, or sharing an umbrella from the heavy downpoar, there was some coochie-cooing from our side too..
But, it felt lonely when he sat in the coffee shop, checking mails on the wi-fi, a whole table away. Why did he think the resort was built with no wi-fi anywhere else, and designed to block cell phone signals all around?

And that was our honeymoon. A four-day outing, out of which two were spent travelling to and forth, and the other two trying to slack away our exhaustion..! Yes, it was beautiful. It was lovely. I fell in love with my Hub-man's attempts to make me happy, and to make sure I was comfortable and got everything I needed at all times.
The only problem was, I needed him more than anything else...

He doesn't usually pick up hints. He find it  hard to adapt to change. He prefers capturing single shots of me to asking someone to capture both of us in a single frame, even though it's out honeymoon. But he tries. And that is the most heartbreaking-ly beautiful thing about my Hub-man...