Jealous Minds

I think I over-reacted in that last post. It was probably one of the Stretches. Which is to say, the Hub-man's officially on the Bounce, and life is sweet again..! But then, NOW you know how badly I react every time he’s on that bend..! 

But again, I have a history of over-reacting! I over-reacted when my parents wanted to define my career, and ended up in a field I’m not interested in. I over-reacted when my best friend told me she was not going to be coming for my wedding, until I found out that she was just pulling my leg, and ended up with calling over five other guests I did not even care to invite.
And most importantly, I over-reacted when I realized how close the Hub-man’s best friend’s wife and the Hub-man were, and ended up hating the poor girl, even though I hardly knew her..!

It’s plain and simple. I was jealous. I’m still jealous. But I think I’ve started sending out the Mean Vibes whenever her name is mentioned. And I don’t think the Hub-man really appreciated that. I mean how upset would I get if he started sending Mean Vibes to my best friend?! I’d probably over-react, but that’s another story!

The main point is, she and he were quite close. The Hub-man’s best friend is a quiet sort. He doesn’t talk much. On the other hand, the Hub-man and the other’s wife can yap all day long. And combining the fact that the best friend was a bit shy of his new wife, and felt guilty about suddenly abandoning his room-mate/bestie/heart-brother (does this word even exist?!) once she came into the picture, the three of them ended up spending a lot of time doing things together. And I mean A LOT OF TIME!

They had lunch on weekends together. They had dinner on weekdays together. They went shopping and for movies together! And since the best friend didn’t talk much, it was up to these two talkers to hold up the fort. And they got along famously!

I obviously entered this story much later… Nearly eight months after the advent of the best friend’s wife. My hub-man’s a sweetie. When I first moved in to Here, he complimented me on everything. He made me feel like a Princess..!
I’d get special treatment, and sweet teasing, and compliments which made me blush. When I fell sick or cut myself chopping the onion, he’d be all over me with concern. My mistakes in keeping house were accepted lovingly, with a sprinkling of silly comments which made me laugh and blush.
And then a month later, I met the best friend and the wife for a dinner outing. Since my coming Here, the Hub-man’s hanging out with his old gang had reduced drastically. I was nervous because I knew how important they were to him. Add to that I was feeling a bit home-sick for my old friends I’d left behind in the Old City.

And imagine my disappointment, shock and upset at seeing MY Hub-man complimenting the best friend’s wife the same way he did me! And she too, blushed and laughed the same way I did!  During that dinner, there was a long story of how she fell sick and how her legs hurt from exhaustion. And I saw MY Hub-man shower her with concern. Over dessert, there was another story of her cooking adventures, and MY Hub-man teased her just as affectionately just as he did me.
All the special in my Hub-man slowly drained out of me during those grueling ninety minutes..! I was quiet through most of the evening(and for those who know me, me being quiet is a catastrophe!) and in the car, when the Hub-man asked me if everything was all right, and tried to show me concern, I shut him out.

Of course, it was no surprise I returned to my room that night with a whole list of complaints to fire at my Mom and Best friend! That other wife was a horrible person! Attention-seeking! Self-centered! A wannabe! And I hated her and missed my own friends!
I fell asleep crying, thinking that I missed my family and friends. And over the course of the next few meetings, I continued hating the other’s wife.

Only recently did I realize what had happened. And I still hate it that MY Hub-man is not unique with ME. I mean, the best friend did not compliment me the way my Hub-man complimented his wife! I don’t want him to, either. The only person who’s compliments I want is the Hub-man.

At least, I’ve stopped hating the wife right now.. And that’s an achievement, isn’t it?

Intimate Talk

This post contains some intimate talk. This is an ear muff/blindfold warning for all those readers out there with sensitive ears/eyes. If you don’t like intimacy and talking (or reading) about it, go no further! Or your ears (eyes) will be blasphemed..!

So to head to the main point, what I want to know is if men go through some non-intimacy phase. Do they once every few months feel that they need space, literally? It happened to me with the Hub-man the day we came back from our wedding vacation. My extremely romantic husband suddenly turned into this wooden creature which seemed to abhor intimacy!

And by intimacy, I don’t mean ravishing, you know. I don’t really care for ravishing. What I do want is the comfortable intimacy which exists between couples. The holding hands, coochie-cooing, nuzzling of noses…

There are times when the Hub-man is so in-tuned with me, he pulls me close for a hug in the elevator during our short ride from the ground floor to the seventh. Or pulls me to lean against him in the queue at the cashier’s in the middle of a crowded shopping mall. Or creeps up from behind to hold me from behind when I’m standing at the sink scrubbing my face.

But these days… even if I reach out for him, he’ll pull away. Oh, sure! He gets these unexpected bursts of affection at times, when he’ll call out his pet name for me, or when he’ll reach down (yes, down! I’m so much shorter than him! Urgh!) to drop me a kiss. But they’re so infrequent. And if I ever respond , he recoils back into his shell.

The other day, a friend who is to get married soon asked me about the ravishing. She’s nervous-excited about it, and since she and her fiancé have known each other and been waiting to get married for four years, it’s even more beautiful for her. The last time we’d spoken, I’d told her we did it like bunnies. And this time, I had no reply. For it seems with intimacy, the Hub-man’s inclination toward ravishing has gone down too…

Especially since I’m a person with an old school of thought, that it should be the man who should initiate any intimate contact, when the Hub-man pulls away, it feels worse to me. Not only does he NOT initiate anything himself, he does not let my attempt bear any fruit either.

Is it because I’ve put on weight? Has he lost interest in me? Or is it his work, which keeps him pre-occupied too much? Or is it just a phase he’s going through? Because this thing going on is not the Stretch. This one’s much worse than the Stretch!

Someone once told me that the best way to keep a man’s interest is to not let him know you’re too interested. And so, I quell my urge to fling my arms around the Hub-man when he reaches out for me. And I feign dis-interest in anything intimate. As if wanting him with me 24x7 is the last thing on my mind. And I hope that this phase fades away soon. It did fade awat at the time of our wedding, though it took nearly two months to do so!

Believe me, playing games with him is the last thing I want to do, but what you gotta do, you gotta do. Because all I know is, I miss my Hub-man these days…

My Hub-Man, The Nightbird!!

The Hub-man is a night-bird. I mean, he can be up by 5 in the morning, drive over a hundred miles to get to the countryside, tramp all over the grass to take photos, drive back, survive on chips and biscuits and tea the whole day, and stay up half the night after!

Whoever heard of a man who does not need sleep?!

Me, on the other hand? I crashed on the way to the country, crashed on the way back, and collapsed on the bed the moment we entered the house! I need sleep like most people need air. I crave it in the late afternoons when long excel files keep me up. I lust for it in the early mornings when the Hub-man’s alarm announces its time to be up. And most of all, I fight to keep my eyes open by the clock ticks its way to the digit ten!

It’s hard being married to a man who hardly sleeps. It seems to me sometimes, that even when he IS sleepy, he avoids it. As if going to bed early would ruin his reputation of not needing sleep. The way I like to put up an appearance that I love to ride in the rain, even when I don’t want to, and would fight to go for a ride out.

Besides the fact that I hate going to bed alone, it just disturbs me that he’s awake out there. It’s not that I want him in bed to ravish him or anything, but it would be nice to have the Hub-man in bed, next to me, at night, when the creatures of the dark come to raid the house! Besides, the ravishing happens before bed-time. Waaaaay before bed-time!

And it’s not really possible for me to seduce him to bed either, not that I’m a great seductress. I hate getting into those tight nighties, for one, and I really don’t feel like ravishing every single night! Because, really, if I had to seduce him to bed, I’d have to do it EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, because that is how often he stays up late!

So we’d gone out yesterday evening, and by the time we got back, it was past ten. By the time I decided to go to bed, it was already nearly midnight. And the Hub-man, when I wished him goodnight, promised to come in soon. At around one-thirty, I wake up to see the lights still on. I called out to him, and I got no answer. And when I walked out to look, he was sleeping on the sofa, with his laptop running!!

I was furious! I woke him up, and he was startled and declared he wasn’t sleeping. When I went in, I turned to see him rewinding the series he’d been watching to catch up on the part he’s missed. I shouted at him then, to watch it the next day!

Later when he came to bed, he placed an arm over me. I didn’t pull away, but I didn’t respond either. When I turned on my side, he reached out slowly, hesitatingly, to hold my hand. When I let him hold it, he quickly pulled it toward himself and fell asleep with his hand over mine.

Yes, that last part had me laughing a bit, to see him scared of my reaction. But I’d rather it never came to that… I’m going to announce a bed-time curfew for him tonight. But since he’s on the Stretch, I’m not really sure how it’s going to go… Sigh, the travails of a married woman, I tell you!

Documented and Filed!

The time it takes to go from one Stretch to the next is three weeks. How do I know? I tabled it (smirk with pride)!

Of course, as every perfect research goes, mine had to be riddled with too many worms! No, no! Not holes, worms!

Week 1: The Stretch has just set in. That would be the cue for my thoughts to begin their waltz. Does he not love me now? Does he get irritated of me much? Is he even attracted to me anymore? Why doesn’t he hold my hand now-a-days!

And yes, we were shifting at the time, so keeping a check on the Stretch duration was just a wee bit difficult..! I mean, when you reach home past midnight, barely able to stand upright, love is not the top-most thing on your mind, is it? Of course, unless you’re obssessed with it - like me!

Week 2: So we’re finally settled in, the Hubman’s parents and mine have come Here, visited and left too. And now, the air is sizzling! We walk on the roads hand-in-hand, don’t let go even while driving, snuggle on the couch all warm and cozy… Where each day spent at work is a day spent missing each other, and the moment we step into the house, we’re grinning like idiots, because we’re looking at each other again. Sigh, Heaven on Earth with my darling Hub-man!

And then it gets a bit too much. The dancing around me is starting to get on my nerves. Is this the same Hub-man who grimaces during the Stretch? Is this the same me who pines for this dancing?!

Week 3: The fervor has lowered, but the passion remains. We’re now holding hands in public, but thankfully not scaring the world with horror teeth-and-gum-display-grins anymore..! The thingies in the house now revolve around intelligent conversations, deeper understanding and comfortable, loving, confident teasing. The Hub-man takes me out, treats me to fancy buys, stuffs me on gorgeous foods and smiles at me at the oddest of times, setting my heart a-tingle!
We’re vacationing at Home right now, and I am predicting that the Stretch will begin the moment we enter Here!!!

Week 4: So now the passion has lowered a notch, and it’s only love which is keeping me going! Yes, you got it! It’s the prelude to the Stretch! THAT infamous, horrible, horrible period is about to begin… And the problem is, I off-set it again!

I fell sick in the bus. High fever, scratchy throat, the usual fall-sick works. And the Hub-man switched mode from Stretch-y Hubman to Concerned, Loving Hub-Super-Man…! Aah, how sweet is my man!

And the story ends with the Hub-man in the Week 1 phase once again! But at least I know what to expect now..! 
But as the saying goes, the Stretch will make my heart grow fonder. And if it's fonder of Cheese-its, don't blame me! The Hubman's stretch is at fault!!!

Baby Blues

When your mind is not at peace, you can’t think about the future..

I’ve been admiring babies the whole of last month. Tiny babies, with mitten-fed paws hurling in the air, and noisy babies let off to dance in the rain, or infants singing themselves to sleep (literally, this kid sang me off too, in the seat behind mine in my overnight bus!!!).

And then I think, I want one too.

Alright, at this point, I need to make it clear that the Hub-man and I are not at the financially stablest point of our lives. What with EMIs and newly married thingies and everything, we’re a bit tight in the money area for now.

And I am physically not up to having a baby at the moment. With work going crazy (and because of the tight money, I can’t take leave or leave my job) and non-stop post-marriage running about, and getting stuff ready for the big move to our new house, I am left exhausted at the end of the day! Imagine adding a huge tummy to add to all that dancing around, and the nausea and dizziness they say, which comes with it..!

And of course… The Stretching. Try as I might, every time the Stretch rears its head up, it makes me feel a bit sick. I feel depressed and hurt, and it’s an effort to let the Hub-man stretch, to push down the urge to grab him back..!

Yes, when he bounces back, and things are in full happy mode, I think I can handle it all! My generosity bubbles over then and I wonder why I had to get so depressed about it when the Stretch was on. I tell myself, I’ll be all bubbly the next time he’s Stretched!

But when it does happen, THAT is when you realize it’s an effort to even keep a smile on your face…

And I’ve been having this fear the last few weeks… Each time the Stretch has come on, I somehow feel it lasts longer than the previous time. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t. I don’t know. But it feels so lonely when it is..

And if I were expecting at this time, wouldn’t it be worse? I’d be wondering all the time if the Hub-man was nice to me or the baby in me. If he was kissing me because he loves me, or if it’s only because I’m having his baby. And being in love with babies so much, the last thing I want is to be jealous of my own child! That would be disgusting of me!

So, no. No matter how much I want one, I’m not ready to have a baby yet… In any aspect of the matter.

So imagine how scary it was when I had a pregnancy scare last week! No, no! I’m not! But for the first time, I felt elation and trepidition in equal amounts, and I didn’t know what to pray for.

Isn’t it the worst when you want a baby, the choice is in your hands to have it, and you have to hope your damndest that you’re not having one?

Letting Him Be...

Praise the Lord, the Stretch is over! The time for coochie-cooing is back..!

So yesterday I was a bit off. While stepping out of the house, I have this ritual, where I peck the hub-man on the cheek, and he pecks me back. But lately I’ve been getting this feel that the peck returned is not meant.

Silly? I don’t think so. Most ladies are able to sense their’s partner’s minds. And my Hub-man’s mind told me that he was pecking for the sake of pecking. Because I would peck his mind if he did not. And bring it up again and again for a whole two weeks as I banged the pan in the sink and the remote on the table.

But I didn’t like this ‘for-the-sake-of-it’ thingie. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was meant from the heart, and he was just avoiding my lipstick. But I didn’t like it, and that was my judgement. Besides it wasn’t just that. He was on the Stretch then, so there were a million other tiny things too. Like squeezing my hand and let go almost immediately if I reach for him. And reacting with a weird smile if I lean against him, only to move away.

So I decided on pay-back yesterday. I was going to give him tit-for-tat. No being affectionate, no leaning against him or reaching for him. And if he wanted to hold my hand, this time I was going to be the one to give it a squeeze and let go!

But then I reach home, and realize the Stretch is over! Hallelujah!

And then I got to thinking. I have so many quirks. Horrible, horrible ones, in fact! I tend to cling, I become angry over the smallest of things, I have too many expectations, and the worst of them all, I expect him to read my mind..!

But he lives with it. Tries to look past these disturbing aspects to what I am within. Tries to love me FOR these quirks, rather than be irritated BECAUSE of them.

So if he has a quirk, a single quirk, where he needs to stretch every few weeks (crazy though it drives me!) can’t I live with it? Do I HAVE to punish him for it each time?

In the last month and a half, there’s not been a single week we’ve not had tension between us. Why? Because I’ve tried to react to his being busy. Whether it be his work, or his Stretch, or even something as mundane as watching a movie on his laptop. Instead, if I let it flow, wouldn’t life be easier?

Today I’ve planned a surprise for him. For a change, I’m going to let him just be.. It’ll give me an edge over our next fight, don’t you think?

And oh, yes! When I think of my marriage now, it brings a radiant smile to my face, making my colleagues wonder what new prank I'm up to now..!!!

A Strength Not to be Misused!

I believe crying is a strength. When I cry, it releases me from within. Otherwise I'm like this tingling nerve-ball, which can't get it's act together. But when I cry, I release that angry tension, and I build up wild scenarios in my head instead. Much healthier, trust me..!
'The Hub-man and I are not talking, and we won't be talking anymore at all, and things are going to remain this way, and he hates me, and our marriage is just going to be huge charade, and it's all over!' Nice, huh? Oh, trust me, this is one the milder scenarios!
But when I cry, I like to do it in private. Tears don't come to me easily. And when they do, they come right from within. It's a private thing. Sure I wish I could use it to emo-blackmail the Hub-man, but, no. That wouldn't be fair, now, would it? And it would absolutely decimate the value of my tears.

So the point is, I never cry around the Hub-man. And so yesterday, after I'd stormed off to my room, I stayed there a bit to cry. Everything seemed so very overwhelming!
I mean, it's just been two months since our wedding (technically, it's one month and 30 days) and we're already fighting. Sometimes it's his work, sometimes it's nothing. The last whole month, not a week has gone by when there wasn't this weird tension between us. Yes, there have been days I wish I could capture in a golden frame, but also these horrible, horrible days too!
I received a mail today, which said it hoped to find me in good health and prosperity. And my thought was, yeah, but what's the point?
Should marriage reach such a point within a few days that you feel hopeless? Shouldn't marriage, when you think of it, bring a smile to your face? Or is it alright that you think of your Hub-man and wish things were better? That you miss him, and want to be with him? Want him to want to be with you?

I have security issues. I find it hard to believe that the Hub-man loves me. That I'm someone he would actually WANT to spend the rest of his life with. And especially after days like yesterday, the feeling only worsens...

So yesterday, after my crying bout, over dinner, I was very quiet. He was quiet too. To my mind (with the insecurity and the wild scenarios), he was irritated with my silence, and couldn't be bothered to set things right. But as I was leaving for bed after some time, he caught my hand. And I couldn't hold it in anymore. I broke down crying to him.

Disgusting, I know! And of course, things became a bit better after that, because the Hub-man was really freaked by the water-show..! Of course, I couldn't tell him why I was crying, because as I've been told once, you should never have a serious discussion when you're crying, or the Hub-man agrees to everything just out of intimidation! And that's not a real discussion.

Now, if only I could demand my birthday gift in this manner...